COOL OFF

i can't just fall. beautiful person, with a brain and guts. a story i want to know. this isn't the time to stir things up. you know, people have their own lives and wouldn't much appreciate me butting in. i get so interested, i can hardly help it. early this morning, half-awake, still high, i dreamt about the scenario. awkward, standing. i ask if i can be honest. it needs to be agreed upon before i tell stories of attraction that linger. "oh, me too" you say? "i didn't know how to go about it"

CARELESS GESTURES

reminded again that it's just me. i have no one to confide in really. suspicions abound. what am i to do. what can i think. only hope no one calls for a reference. no one sees the mess i've made.

i also can't handle getting text messages with heartfelt words. stop being a dickhead.

FEEL THAT? THAT'S YOUR SCAPULA

Just biked home from my first massage. A legit massage that doesn't end in love-making or falling asleep in arms. Quite the build-up for such a service. First things first, I'm the kind of person who arrives early to everything. 12:30 for a 1:00 appointment. No problem they're at lunch and don't get back until 1:00. Okay, 1:15 for the receptionist who is "so sorry"
Dian Flugnagelbachen comes strolling around the corner. Pleasantries. Informs me that I'm late... pshhh corrected that right up. Realized she was rude in saying that in the first place. Routine medical information. I show her my knee and how it's been injured for years. Long, gray hair and a skirt to match. I'm carried away with the smell of incense and can hear the ocean in the distance drawing near. I undress to my "panties" in record time. Lay face down on the pillow and under some sheets. I'm comfortable. She starts on my back, lotion. Whatever you know it's a massage. Beats me with some balls on sticks for a while. Tickles my face. My feet get really cold. She asks me not to move. Is one of my legs longer than the other? Does one feel heavier? I say I don't think so. She tells me I have a lot of pent up stress. That it's hard for me to let go. Why can't I just let me neck relax? It's unbearable to not be able to let my shoulder hit the table. I think I'm just made that way but know it's all in the mind. So, I think about how I can't relax at a place soley meant for relaxation. How doomed can a person be?

I've been trying to make a fresh start. Don't you see I'm not meant to do it alone.

NOT A STUB

"There are two kinds of people in this world, the ones who take the risks and make you feel something besides the dull thudding of your own heart and those that pay to watch."
-Circus Freak#1

BE WITH ME TONIGHT

What a shitty fucking day. Saturdays have always been pretty isolated but today takes the cake. Watching a romantic film doesn't help. Having a hangover from the depths of hell doesn't either. I'm disappointed in myself for giving up on the experiment. Why can't I understand these evils and cast them to the side. Far enough that my arms couldn't grab them.

my two front bottom teeth are killing me. sensitive as all fuck. i feel a lot of pressure to do something wild but i'm just not into it much. i feel all the buildup i've had of crushes is fruitless. why is this starting to be a problem for me? i shouldn't be upset. maybe the thought of being around so many people. maybe being near her. maybe knowing what it's all about.

THE WEEK BEGINS

for a killer bash, i will transform. i haven't decided appropriately as of yet. the night of all nights. another chance. art show opening. door knob birds, edward scissorhands hairman, awkward hugs, bbq pit fire, warehouse full of books, six hours of work, free white beans and portabellos.

We're all cruising along Main Strasse (1st EDITION)

Tonight was about wheeling and dealing. Took some crap clothes to find some more crap clothes. Watched the debate. And will say "I agree in that I don't" They're characters of the moment: what odd expression will they use, who is smiling, who is talking to me? In a room with ten other students. Each reacts, each knows that this is.. it's something else. The next room is junglelike. Fake animals track every move in the space. But I noticed the girl. And felt like an idiot leaving my hat. Leaving like that, without a proclaimation. Not even a pour of anything in her direction.