HMHMHMHMMMMMHMHMM

now entering the comfort zone

HABITS ARENT ALL BAD

down the frozen food aisle you walk toward me. white wires dangle over a cart full of farfalle and fruit juice. well, let's just say i'm pleasantly surprised and wide-eyed and wanting to plant my feet there forever. we made pseudo plans as two would in a grocery store. after grocery store talk. next week i'll let fate fate me.

COOL OFF

i can't just fall. beautiful person, with a brain and guts. a story i want to know. this isn't the time to stir things up. you know, people have their own lives and wouldn't much appreciate me butting in. i get so interested, i can hardly help it. early this morning, half-awake, still high, i dreamt about the scenario. awkward, standing. i ask if i can be honest. it needs to be agreed upon before i tell stories of attraction that linger. "oh, me too" you say? "i didn't know how to go about it"

CARELESS GESTURES

reminded again that it's just me. i have no one to confide in really. suspicions abound. what am i to do. what can i think. only hope no one calls for a reference. no one sees the mess i've made.

i also can't handle getting text messages with heartfelt words. stop being a dickhead.

FEEL THAT? THAT'S YOUR SCAPULA

Just biked home from my first massage. A legit massage that doesn't end in love-making or falling asleep in arms. Quite the build-up for such a service. First things first, I'm the kind of person who arrives early to everything. 12:30 for a 1:00 appointment. No problem they're at lunch and don't get back until 1:00. Okay, 1:15 for the receptionist who is "so sorry"
Dian Flugnagelbachen comes strolling around the corner. Pleasantries. Informs me that I'm late... pshhh corrected that right up. Realized she was rude in saying that in the first place. Routine medical information. I show her my knee and how it's been injured for years. Long, gray hair and a skirt to match. I'm carried away with the smell of incense and can hear the ocean in the distance drawing near. I undress to my "panties" in record time. Lay face down on the pillow and under some sheets. I'm comfortable. She starts on my back, lotion. Whatever you know it's a massage. Beats me with some balls on sticks for a while. Tickles my face. My feet get really cold. She asks me not to move. Is one of my legs longer than the other? Does one feel heavier? I say I don't think so. She tells me I have a lot of pent up stress. That it's hard for me to let go. Why can't I just let me neck relax? It's unbearable to not be able to let my shoulder hit the table. I think I'm just made that way but know it's all in the mind. So, I think about how I can't relax at a place soley meant for relaxation. How doomed can a person be?

I've been trying to make a fresh start. Don't you see I'm not meant to do it alone.

NOT A STUB

"There are two kinds of people in this world, the ones who take the risks and make you feel something besides the dull thudding of your own heart and those that pay to watch."
-Circus Freak#1

BE WITH ME TONIGHT

What a shitty fucking day. Saturdays have always been pretty isolated but today takes the cake. Watching a romantic film doesn't help. Having a hangover from the depths of hell doesn't either. I'm disappointed in myself for giving up on the experiment. Why can't I understand these evils and cast them to the side. Far enough that my arms couldn't grab them.

my two front bottom teeth are killing me. sensitive as all fuck. i feel a lot of pressure to do something wild but i'm just not into it much. i feel all the buildup i've had of crushes is fruitless. why is this starting to be a problem for me? i shouldn't be upset. maybe the thought of being around so many people. maybe being near her. maybe knowing what it's all about.

THE WEEK BEGINS

for a killer bash, i will transform. i haven't decided appropriately as of yet. the night of all nights. another chance. art show opening. door knob birds, edward scissorhands hairman, awkward hugs, bbq pit fire, warehouse full of books, six hours of work, free white beans and portabellos.

We're all cruising along Main Strasse (1st EDITION)

Tonight was about wheeling and dealing. Took some crap clothes to find some more crap clothes. Watched the debate. And will say "I agree in that I don't" They're characters of the moment: what odd expression will they use, who is smiling, who is talking to me? In a room with ten other students. Each reacts, each knows that this is.. it's something else. The next room is junglelike. Fake animals track every move in the space. But I noticed the girl. And felt like an idiot leaving my hat. Leaving like that, without a proclaimation. Not even a pour of anything in her direction.

WOO

I just got "grandfathered" into trip leader status at IUOA. This is the most joyous news I've heard in a while because:

I don't have to do 50 service hours... only 25.

Also, maybe I do have something to bring. I'm bringing the funk. And my skills-a-plenty. Uh double uh- UHUH.

NOBODY LIKE A LOVER

the house is immaculate. the dogs are gone. housemates are away for the night. subwoofer on. ideas spinning for tonight's activities. although, this ain't so bad.

WHY? BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU

I'm pretty sure I was mistaken for a mentally retarded person tonight which may explain the way I was acting better than I ever could.

Early morning picked up my new bicycle. Snobby bike gurus talking shop about 100 mile rides and fixing shit. Whatever, give me my bike and throw in a water bottle holder and I'm good to go. Riding down 10th I found myself smiling the entire way to class. The feeling of owning something brand spanking new. Haven't in a while spent so much money on something so useless. Yes, I already own a bike. But this one is different. This one is special.

Class over, I take a nap and fall into a half-awake consciousness of lovers and guilt. I have so many women in my life and only one I want more than all.

Chasing the sun we found ourselves past Nashville at the Gnaw Bone Camp. My suggestion as I have wanted to take pictures there since I first saw it. Stray dogs, cats, chains, saddles, tractors, a donkey. Various items one would like to see if one were at a very old, very rural, very surreal place in the middle of Indiana. The hike and adventure was enough for the day for me. However, it didn't end there.

On to the bars. Drinking and making fun of people. Laughing and singing. Dancing in my chair and not caring because no one is as cute as me. Leaving. Losing my wallet. Finding and going to the dance party. Hating and staring at bumping and grinding. Intrigued then demolished. Left to find something better. Something at 2am. A sandwich and real talk.

Step foot in and become immersed in the thought that yes, you could be in the lit room. Yes, you could. You will. You know this.

It's all too much. Everything is a joke. A bad sitcom. 20 years later you'll want to own it on DVD.

A PERSONAL AFFAIR/AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT

Some lights dim. It might take a person two weeks to find it out. It's an interesting time what with being to the best of my ability. Taking time with the people around me, almost definitely with the people I want closer. Looking for relics. Fighting off the demons that take control over. Sure, I've been a mess but no one knows what I know. Certainly haven't been brave enough.. yet. A bit of hope. It doesn't mean it's lost. Doesn't mean anything I don't want it to. It's all that watching and waiting has bummed me out. It's all that being and doing has worn me out.

SCRATCHING AT THE SURFACE NOW

what is this limbo i'm perpetually in? all ally's of me and i'm unaware of the cure. but maybe three pills will boost the chemicals up to a level i can't reach. the busy i know will be a relief from this place.

DOWN THE STREET

then i could hear a heart beat. walk around the tree. shoot rubber arrows through the window. give a good wave and a smile. oh, you want to tell me something. i have something to tell you. i could just stop by. and how.

CATCH EM WHILE YOU CAN

a bottle of shiraz and many spontaneous eruptions of crying after watching olympic world records later. it's time to go to boystown and be a little naughty. teehe he heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

LALALA LALALA LALALAAA

now i own more than one pair of jeans. it's exciting! thrift store galore. visited my grandma and watched the cubbies kick the ass-tros. riding around i saw the destruction from the thunderstorm we had a few nights ago. limbs everywhere and huge piles of branches on the sides of every street. visited an old memory and decided to skip the tour of the rest for another time. home again, my daily gilmore girls is on. and all is right in the world.

NOTHING SPECIAL

i don't need a yellow scarf wrapped around me to remind myself of you. the ten hours. there is enough tension for a lifetime. and never enough time. the reality of the situation is a difficult phrase to accept when it's just the beginning. i'll whisper it's a really quick end.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

and when it's uncomfortable, it's impossible.

three days off i've been spending them catching up on much needed sleep. i took a neurotransmitter enhancer last night and had very vivid dreams. perhaps it was a connection or too soon to claim.

the first day spent in cody. feeling annoyed by most of my co-workers i decided to go solo. not a big surprise to find out i had a lot more fun walking around the town, going through peoples sprinklers to cool off, having tasty and cheap mexican food, enjoying/hating the x-files movie and sitting under a tree calling people i care about. some liquor later, the ride back was mad cool because everyone finally loosened the fuck up. i don't understand why people feel they have to move in packs of 20. half the day is gone going anywhere with that many people.. especially to an atrocious store like walmart. the night was a sneak attack of a hidden and regretful crush that spills out of fiery lips. what to say when "is this bad?" probably for you but i don't give a damn. so leave it at that and push the fake shit away because i'm okay with impossible.

the second day of freedom spent awaking way too late to go rock climbing with the group. yet, i still manage to make it because... 20 people trying to accomplish one thing is impossible. egos and slow asses drive me to the edge. but i wanted to climb. it's something i might actually want to stick with which is a pleasure for me to admit. three routes later, i walk down the nearly vertical path back to the cars listening to movie soundtracks. there i see the specks in the corner of the rock face and realize why i'm on the bottom looking up.

the third day is happening as i type. i should get moving before the day is done.

BE GOOD

you can only look at me so many ways before i do something about it. avert your eyes and twirl beside me in a white dress or not, i'll tell you what. our blanket fell onto the floor, phosphorescent dots on our clothes, in our hair, on the skin. we night walk back quietly but fast. stars above setup moments of spooks. so when the notebook is filled with truth and a bit of self-deprecation there is only so much you can do without falling. now when you fall you tell it bluntly with a bit of crazy. stay awake to say goodbye at three. fall back into bed, a humming purple/orange glow lights it all. heavy breathing. awake to say goodbye. goodbye. write me. be good.

WHO KNEW OH YEAH I DID

she is listening to tegan and sara.

RETRYING

there is a rusty coffee can that i pass twice a day. i want to stop each time to pick it up. but it has become a relic. a place marker for the day. this bedroom is bigger than my first dorm. and i'm paid to live in it with wireless internet. now. i realize this sounds killer. however, it's hard to do as little work possible in this wilderness. always someone. always something. mental exhaustion and sleep deprivation are constant irritants for me. i want to scream and sleep for days. but i know my body will wake at seven am and do it all again.

the fourth of july was spent unlike every other. without someone to lay next to. so i laid on my back to watch thirty overpriced mortars liftoff over the swimming pool. the ashes fell on our heads. and the last boom was a silencer for us all to sleep.

i'm looking forward to my day off on wednesday. i crave things bad for me. but have great restraint with a clear head, finally.

soon! snugahohido

NOW WE KNOW

fits of creativity bring me to the blog. with orange and blue thoughts. but the green in me comes through like it always does.

away on a ranch. my job involves driving thirty miles with a canoe trailer down a dusty, rocky road through red hills, green pastures and irrigation to keep it all alive.

i miss bloomington. everything about it is drawing me back. i want my home. to make it mine and do things right for once. always looking back but now i know. now we know.

VERY

how sad am i that i'm missing the swell season by two days?

HAPPY, NEW MUSIC, MORE GIGS

my ipod works. the ipod that i haven't thought about for a year because i spilled lysol in it and it wouldn't even turn on.

HEYYYY

officially outdoor recreation major. one and a half years. come on now! let's get serious.

NOTHIN TO DO JUST SIT HERE WITH YOU

there are other things going on besides the new, fantastic job i just procured. i have a few weeks before i leave to get some things accomplished. mostly, seeing family and al. it will be months until i get another chance. concentrated family time is all i have.

also, housing for fall. the possibility of living alone seems less likely as it's too much for too small of a space. perhaps something will come up, if i visit bloomington.
...
i leave for twenty minutes for a run and come back to drew barrymore pawing at bathroom walls.

AQUATICS/TREK SPECIALIST

flying into billings, montana june 10th about. leaving august 27th.


smell ya later

WYOMING, PLEASE

and i have followup interview!

RETROSPECTIVE

okay. yesterday i sanded/spray painted the porch. felt accomplished and happy being outside doing work for dad. set up a second television solely for my new n64. i wish i had someone to play 007 with. a possibility of a new moped/scooter yamaha qt50 is in the works. weeee. ran 2.5 miles from the hospital, to grandpas and home. the day is young. waking up before noon forever.

ACA JOB ALERT

Position	Company	Location
Waterfront Director/CIT Director	Camp Waziyatah	Waterford, Maine, United States

making my day.

WHO IS SHE

oh, hello. i'm in hammond. home, the basement welcomes me with a cold embrace. the day has been treacherous. waking early from a night of debauchery set at my own pace. loading and packing away my belongings into a massive penske truck. lots of empty space inside. i've been hit with a wave of loneliness. i long for the on-going adventures. i pine for a love. torn up two nights ago. the ultimate chance of "i fucking love you" this is step two. there are three steps. the first is your attention. we can speak in the kitchen but i'd rather your bedroom. without the lights you move to me. step three may require your lips.

I'M LIFTING UP THE STONES

and here i am with a full summer right in front of me. as c.o.r.e. ends another chapter, i'm overwhelmed with freedoms and leisure. concerned with finding a job. i've applied at a few summer camps, parks and rec downtown, ymca. whatever pops up first.

now i have media to consume. the office and 30 rock. it's a wet friday and maybe staying in doesn't sound so bad. last night was enough for a while. after getting beer and donuts i ate a ton of curry. met a lot of unique people. some from a commune. walked farther than i think i ever have here. i needed it so bad. to not have a limit. to say yes. and fall asleep with a dummy staring at me.

TIME TO BREAK DOWN

new baby in the world interrupts the job interviewing process. bike riding downhill on sidewalks betwixt greenery makes me nervous. the last thing i need is another animal running in front of my bike tire. free time now consists of a daily brain teaser, county library dvds, jeffrey brown comics, novel of the moment, hammock, bike riding, selling gear on ebay, trips to the cstore for candy, guitar and rubbing my head in confusion at everything and everyone.

IN 5-4-3-2-(1)