NOTHING SPECIAL

i don't need a yellow scarf wrapped around me to remind myself of you. the ten hours. there is enough tension for a lifetime. and never enough time. the reality of the situation is a difficult phrase to accept when it's just the beginning. i'll whisper it's a really quick end.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

and when it's uncomfortable, it's impossible.

three days off i've been spending them catching up on much needed sleep. i took a neurotransmitter enhancer last night and had very vivid dreams. perhaps it was a connection or too soon to claim.

the first day spent in cody. feeling annoyed by most of my co-workers i decided to go solo. not a big surprise to find out i had a lot more fun walking around the town, going through peoples sprinklers to cool off, having tasty and cheap mexican food, enjoying/hating the x-files movie and sitting under a tree calling people i care about. some liquor later, the ride back was mad cool because everyone finally loosened the fuck up. i don't understand why people feel they have to move in packs of 20. half the day is gone going anywhere with that many people.. especially to an atrocious store like walmart. the night was a sneak attack of a hidden and regretful crush that spills out of fiery lips. what to say when "is this bad?" probably for you but i don't give a damn. so leave it at that and push the fake shit away because i'm okay with impossible.

the second day of freedom spent awaking way too late to go rock climbing with the group. yet, i still manage to make it because... 20 people trying to accomplish one thing is impossible. egos and slow asses drive me to the edge. but i wanted to climb. it's something i might actually want to stick with which is a pleasure for me to admit. three routes later, i walk down the nearly vertical path back to the cars listening to movie soundtracks. there i see the specks in the corner of the rock face and realize why i'm on the bottom looking up.

the third day is happening as i type. i should get moving before the day is done.

BE GOOD

you can only look at me so many ways before i do something about it. avert your eyes and twirl beside me in a white dress or not, i'll tell you what. our blanket fell onto the floor, phosphorescent dots on our clothes, in our hair, on the skin. we night walk back quietly but fast. stars above setup moments of spooks. so when the notebook is filled with truth and a bit of self-deprecation there is only so much you can do without falling. now when you fall you tell it bluntly with a bit of crazy. stay awake to say goodbye at three. fall back into bed, a humming purple/orange glow lights it all. heavy breathing. awake to say goodbye. goodbye. write me. be good.

WHO KNEW OH YEAH I DID

she is listening to tegan and sara.

RETRYING

there is a rusty coffee can that i pass twice a day. i want to stop each time to pick it up. but it has become a relic. a place marker for the day. this bedroom is bigger than my first dorm. and i'm paid to live in it with wireless internet. now. i realize this sounds killer. however, it's hard to do as little work possible in this wilderness. always someone. always something. mental exhaustion and sleep deprivation are constant irritants for me. i want to scream and sleep for days. but i know my body will wake at seven am and do it all again.

the fourth of july was spent unlike every other. without someone to lay next to. so i laid on my back to watch thirty overpriced mortars liftoff over the swimming pool. the ashes fell on our heads. and the last boom was a silencer for us all to sleep.

i'm looking forward to my day off on wednesday. i crave things bad for me. but have great restraint with a clear head, finally.

soon! snugahohido

NOW WE KNOW

fits of creativity bring me to the blog. with orange and blue thoughts. but the green in me comes through like it always does.

away on a ranch. my job involves driving thirty miles with a canoe trailer down a dusty, rocky road through red hills, green pastures and irrigation to keep it all alive.

i miss bloomington. everything about it is drawing me back. i want my home. to make it mine and do things right for once. always looking back but now i know. now we know.