DON'T YOU FEEL GOOD

today i opened boxes and my trunk. all wet on the bottoms and therein lies the destruction. books wet, a bag of mementos, my record collection along with my dads old records. i decided to save his from the basement back home. and here i go leaving for two weeks and returning to the aftermath of a flood. i'm ticked from the carelessness. being told my things will be dried and looked after and finding them untouched. although, i can't really be mad at anyone. these things happen. and i'm used to losing material possessions. at least i don't mind all that much when i lose them. it's senseless to, right? just things that represent memories or things that make me sentimental or things that i've earned.

"your possessions end up owning you" - tyler durden

but oh the records make me sore. i acquired new inserts for them. had to trash the original covers that stuck together and ripped apart the artwork. moldy in places and gooey in others.

because of all this but more because i am ready, i'm more ready than ever to get out and start working for the summer. a chance for me to learn and reflect on my skills, responsibilities and maybe even take a crack at some aspirations. 480 miles away doesn't seem so far. but i know i'll be plopped into a new situation with new people to meet and wildlands to explore.

right now i'm restless. two lazy dogs on the wood floor sleeping. i just want a bed to call my own again. this couch is not cutting it.

i can't continue on the internets about my trip to the west coast. writing it all in pencil is just how its gotta be.

BIG 5-0

i believe in karma. i believe in my love. my body will do as it will after all. hopefully, set off somewhere nice as wished instead of a dingy box. i know not what to do sometimes. being led astray whips me back. mostly effortlessly. i want to catch eyes, senses keen, lick some thighs. being outside helps me relate better to the world. inside i remember everything, knowing what lasts. never knowing how long.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."
— Bob Marley

TRYING TO GET IT ALL DOWN

had a sendoff for my roommate who is going to be gone for three weeks during expedition in utah and colorado. the house will surely miss her. and her dog is already fully depressed.
had an interesting job interview via skype. i'm not sure how i feel about the whole idea, as i come across quite differently when broken into pieces and put together on a screen. i tried my best to express what i was looking for and why i was good for the job. it was definitely the shortest interview i've had. very very basic questions. not sure what to think about it when the place has never had an intern and she didn't really know how to answer my questions. but damn it i'd love to bike around the pacific northwest or belgium. ya know.

most of the day spent doing homework that is due next week since i'll be away in the smokies. the school of education library is peaceful. and two minutes away. at the union, adventureland was playing for free. i've wanted to see the movie and was happy about it. there was an absurd line. like three hundred people piled in to see this stupid movie with the girl from twilight. well, it was cute. nick and nora kind of cute. the boy meets girl, girl has issues, boy falls. i really can’t complain with multiple kristen stewart love scenes. shit, i got to see a nine dollar movie for frees.

drove to bedford to pick up a dresser. this womans house is huge with only three people living in it. we walk in the door and she's knocked out. trying to wake her, her eyes open and she wobbles her head. completely sleeping with eyes open. catatonic craziness that i've never seen before. this is what happens with lack of sleep, something i hope never becomes routine. maybe because i woke up this morning with a smile. we all dream, don't we?

WE JUST WANT MORE

so here's the sitch. everyone around me is flipping out in some way. typically i would feed off of it and do the same. but i'm feeling grounded with plans and schedules. i know i don't have a seasonal job for the summer yet. i've been away from home the past three. why not keep it going? spending my birthday with strangers and acquaintances isn't so bad. my focus is on the future. i'll be there pretty soon.

i don't expect anything. and i don't ask for anything from anyone. i just want to make a move. bold and great, the kind you'd never expect from me. wanting more.

last night i dreamt i was in cyprus. sipping turkish tea. and i shaved my head. my sleeping self was thinking bald cypress and that's how it goes down. i really don't want to buzz my head.

ELECTRIC EELS I MIGHT ADD DO IT

though it shocks em i know.

woke real late, unabashedly. scrounged up the motivation to walk to the mall. where i typically find myself when avoiding something major, like studying for a midterm. so i bought some clothes on clearance and underoos. ate at the co-op, delicious salad did me good. quick stop for easter candy.. whopper eggs are addictive. the constant flow of sugar helped me get a good basis for the review sheet.

did some serious searching for famous people which is beyond hilarious to me. knowing what mchammer thinks about anything makes me so happy.

asked via text message what my values are.
had a conversation on the porch last night about passion.
thinking at some point it'll stroll by me. close enough to pull it to my side.

going home friday. not the glamorous, gone wild spring break i imagined. want to pick up a stand-by ticket anywhere. wake up on the beach. lay around proper. margarittas, no salt, the size of my head.

Look,
The world is in transition. I see it in bits and pieces but will never understand the big picture. The changes happening all around me. Sometimes it's too much.

stop little one

Nothing gets me going quite like geeking around on the internet.

The time is changing soon which means 8pm and the sun is out..
more ice cream eating
long night walks
biking and feeling my nose at the same time
exploring everything everywhere
My dreams are wild lately. I dreamed a Willy Wonka type man chatting to me in a toy store while I looked at 90% off valentine's day candy. Overwhelmed by Spring. Turns me into an useless wheel occasionally. I don't deny its bitterness. It just would be better with something sweet to follow.

LET'S FALL IN LOVE

Here it is. I feel a bit shit but I won't mope about with it. I woke early this morn to see Rose Troche at the auditorium. She went on about her career history from Go Fish to The Farm with Leisha. It was interesting to listen to a person who has broken tons of boundaries between the industry and reality. It was obvious that most people were there to hear about The L Word which was going to be called Earthlings and had Kit as a captain who tattoos the chart of people fucking on her back? She talked a lot of shit about stars of her films and tv shows. Said she thinks she has some part in making people gay.. Kirsten Stewart, Kate Moenning, blah blah. The show really changed a lot throughout the six seasons. Looking at the early pictures opposed to the newest is a shock.. the clothes and glamour. Rose called Tasha a 3drinklesbo and alluded to them hooking up. She had no real answer to the ridiculous treatment of Max and his trans issues.

Besides that.. I'm in the process of getting my shit together. I find out soon if I got into the spring break environmental service project trip. Settling on a path for my internship. I wish I had it all figured out but it's difficult to choose what I want to do. Up in the air isn't the most comfortable place for me but things usually work themselves out and I end up getting something that makes me happy.