BE GIVING ME THE EYE

i think if i just sat here in this one spot for a few hours, i might die. either heat stroke or being accosted by the homeless would be the cause. a man just walked up to me and asked, "hey, man. do you know what it's like having a retarded girlfriend?" i paused and really pondered my past relationships. after a few seconds i was able to give a definitive shake of the head. he says, "god damn it. i love her but i gotta take her around with me everywhere i go. man, i'm gonna get caught with this" looked at his hand expecting to see a joint or something equally terrible. but no, it's a sweaty, bruised apricot. we're next to a grocery store with produce stands outside the doors. he proceeds to devour the apricot and throws the pit in the potted plant next to me. i just shaked my head some more.

Oh snap. I thought the film chloe was an egoyan movie just from the numerous times the word exotic was used.

CAN SAY ONE THING

day started with "it's my birfday"
spent at work. washing the dirtyass truck. then working the information center for a few hours with the coolest dude ever. and the sweetest dude ever brought me pink roses from his ranch. cut to shower. sweating straight from shower in 95 degree heat. and sitting on my computer in the only semi-cool restaurant in town. free drink from peeps at work. i don't think they know it's my birthday. i could probably squeeze another from them but i shant. it's not the worst 1 out of 25. i can say that.

Extras first season for three bucks and a whole mess of lesbisch

There are elephant ears 500 yards from my bedroom window

Oh god i love bankrupt video stores. Ten amazing films no one would ever buy in this town for thirty bucks

Just to see one lightning bug tonight

ONE TIME ONLY

this is a recollection of my one and only night in portland and the time i went skydiving. it was on a whim that i decided to head to the city. i knew the next day i would be skydiving near salem which is about a half hour away from portland. so, i drive up.. nothing too memorable. get there and realize parking and driving in that city is absolutely terrible. a freakish maze of diagonal streets, aerial tram wires above, streetcar tracks on the ground and yellow lights near the streetlights showing you that certain death is arriving soon and you better get out of the way. enough of the driving.. i eventually find a parking garage that is reasonable, i think it was $10 for the day. i brought my bike along because i know the city is well-known for being bike-walk-friendly. so, i pump down the garage in perfect circles and head straight for the destinations that are nearby. i head up burnside and make it to powell's, the largest bookstore in the world. i don't know how accurate the title is, but god it was big. each room distinguished by a different colour. i follow the gold room to the cafe and get some coffee. walk and around and just stare at the massive inventory. i don't buy any books. i figure i have enough stacked up already that need to be read. i sit down and read the book i brought with me for about an hour. noticing the anime-looking, pink-haired girls reading anime. old men with beards in literature. it said so much. down the street from powell's is the nicest dollar tree in the world. i didn't go inside. but it was the bottom floor to a skyscraper. i thought then, this is the city for me. respect the dollar tree. by then it's late afternoon, i ride my bike around trying to get a sense of direction. the streets are labeled so it's impossible to get lost. it's weird going from tiffany and co. on one street corner and a row of streetfood vendors dashed with transients. the whole city is so diverse it's hard to get a feel of where the business district ends and where the weird begins. i happen to see the huge sign "keep portland weird" and remembered it from tv. there i found voodoo donuts. the line was long - about 20 people deep. of course, i wait. a kid with eagle wings waits in front of me mocking a bird in his shadow. flapping his wings and doing the chicken dance. it's hilarious. they're not the best donuts but the experience was worth it. from there i know the arcade is very close. ground kontrol, outside it's called a "barcade". $5 gets me in and free games for the rest of the night. i'm obsessed with cruising the world and nba jam. upstairs is an insane amount of pinball machines. when i arrived there were less than 10 people. when i left, i could hardly handle bumping into people trying to wait for an open game. i loved it. i didn't drink because i assumed the rest of the night would be filled with it. going over the draw bridge was scary. once i crossed, bikers everywhere. the east side of the river is very different. beautiful brick homes with the brightest green grass. i park on the street and bike. it's a row of bars and ethnic restaurants. i grab mexican streetfood. i don't know why i'm writing every detail, i'm just motivated. the e-room catches my eye. covered in ivy and a door open inviting me in. walk in and wooooosh. hard for me eyes to adjust to the darkness. it's quiet and empty. never been kissed is on the tv. older women playing casino games. a backroom dedicated to poker. a room dedicate for karaoke. poker lets out for a break and a rush of players head outside for smoking. i meet a nice girl. i meet another nice girl with a hint of crazy in her eye. i know to stay away from them. it's never the good crazy. i get to know three thai girls. talk about the world cup, divorce and what they think about being away from their families. i'm interested in asking them personal questions because they're open to answer. and it also keeps me from being the topic. i play a game of poker. i have no idea what i'm doing and look like a fool pretending to care about the fake money in front of me while they're regulars and take it seriously. i lose and finish my drink. i watch the thai girls lose $30 on the casino games. it's about 1am and i leave without saying goodbye. sober enough after waiting i drive to a rest stop and sleep in my truck on the bench seat. it's not pleasant. wake up too early. eat some breakfast and make it to skydive oregon at noon. i have to do a bunch of paperwork, initialling that i will not sue for a million reasons. i sign away and hardly read the thing. it doesn't matter really. it's cloudy out. the clouds are at 8,000 feet. we wait around for the decision to be made. training takes about 5 minutes. the instructor has jumped out of a plane 13,000 times. he's weird and his shirt reads "human carnival ride". we go over how to position ourselves before we jump, not to touch anything but ourselves, how to land. we all demonstrate on a carpeted table how to be in freefall. a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary is the best. the woman has her arms in back of her at her sides, her elbows bent so odd. the man has two hearing-aids. he smiles through the safety talk and makes me think he isn't listening at all. eventually they give us the go ahead. after being in the waiting room listening to the two front-desk workers gossip about everyone they work with i was so happy to finally go. my instructor is terry. he's confident and makes me feel calm. harness, squishy hat, goggles. i'm the first person to enter the plane. i wait for terry and he goes in front me. leading me to the back of the plane. this means we're the last two to exit the plane. i sit in front of him. he explains that in a few minutes he'll lock me into him and tighten everything. i've never been on a jet like this before. it's rough and loud. the plane is full in front of me. by the door, the most energetic guy has a camera on his head filming those who paid for a video. i sort of wish i did get one because there are bits that i just don't remember from shock. everyone is out. i scoot forward and sit on the edge of the plane door. wind is incredible. i bend my feet backward and hit the bottom of the plane. i tilt my head back to terry's chest. and he pushes us off. at an angle we fall, i'm hit with his weight and the pressure of falling 120mph. it's like my breath is taken away. i inhale through my mouth and feel like nothing went in. then try my nose and realize i'm fine. the falling part is the best. it lasted only 20-30 seconds at most. rushing through the clouds i felt the moisture on my face. i closed my eyes and opened them to terry hitting me on the arms, code for hold on. i hold on to my harness loops and get jerked up. it's not as bad as i thought it would be. the parachute opens and i scream louder than i ever have. my body full of adrenaline i didn't know what else to do. i look down at my feet dangling and notice the patchwork farms, the little dots that are sheep, i see the skydive airport, i look up and see the plane i just jumped out of. terry says, "now you know why the birds sing". i grab onto the turn handles of the parachute.. forgot the name. but i drop my right arm down to my waist and we curve our path to the ground. it's a gut lifting feeling each time we turn around. i suppose we head down faster that way as well. the landing was smooth. we were the last to land. i lay on the grass for a minute, smiling. terry unhooks me and i get up. it's over. my body is shaking uncontrollably. i don't know how to respond when asked what i thought. it's too much to process. a few minutes later i'm driving back to roseburg. going skydiving again is something i'd like to do. maybe the freefall wasn't as long as it could be because of the clouds, and maybe i was in such shock i didn't fully understand the freefall while it was happening. i understand how it can be addictive.

Lie back, sweetheart. Think of Estonia.

Ah, might as well delete my timesheet of her coffee break times.

Buying radishes for the first time status

A PRIVATE MATTER

maybe a bit melodramatic yesterday. it wasn't a good day. i'm waiting for skydive oregon to call me back now to schedule a tandem jump. my palms are sweaty and i'm on the ground.

THE BOTTOM LINE

resurrecting the beast within. this whole time playing the fool. i'm sure eventually it will be for the best. but as it goes, right now i'm steamed to see ahead of me and ghostslime isn't there. a sloppy kiss is in the lead and lapping up whatever the fuck is left. it's cold outside and rain drops fall on my laptop screen but i can't handle going inside to that cushy leather chair. the big piece of cake i had isn't enough. if only a whole lemon iced bundt was there waiting to be devoured like a predator. i get it. i moved away. but it's already the middle of june and don't we know summer just flies by. i smell smoke and want to light up. i see more smoke and coffee and just want to drown because it's the drug of choice for me in this podunkiedunk, hellish town. shootings every week and one bookstore that closes at 7pm. don't think you'll find something to do after dark. walk through the mission and you'll agree. i'm so disconnected at the moment. my own fault indeed. but i'm not going to draw lines to cross. i don't know where i'm going. i understand that is the bottom line.